A Wise Wife

If you are a Christian wife, at some point you have probably felt confused in understanding your role, purpose and identity as a married woman. You may have succumbed more than once to the ‘comparison trap’ after scrolling through the glamorous posts of other wives who seem to have it all. I know I have.

In the book of Proverbs, Solomon writes about two kinds of wives. One is foolish, one is wise:

The wise woman builds her house,
    but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. (Proverbs 14:1)

 Wise wives.

A big part of being a Christ follower is growing in wisdom. Wisdom is not a one day game. It entails digging daily into God’s Word, and asking the Holy Spirit to renew our thinking and transform our ways. Ideally, the wisdom that a Christian wife needs to build her house is passed down from generation to generation, as well as through teaching and mentorship in the local church.

Paul describes this kind of discipleship in his letter to Titus, a young pastor. Older women are called to teach younger wives how “to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, submissive to their own husband, so that the word of God will not be dishonoured.” (Titus 2:3-5) How many strong, wise women have inspired you in your role as a wife?

Given the number of broken families and marriages around us, we can assume that few are building their houses according to godly and wise principles. Sadly, even Christian men and women have been more heavily influenced by feminist ideology than by the Bible. Like our ancestor Eve, we have been seduced by many lies of the Enemy, especially relating to marriage.

Lies women believe.

Here are ten lies (or half truths) that women believe relating to marriage. They are adapted from Nancy Wolgemuth’s book, Lies Women Believe and The Truth that Sets them Free).

I have to have a husband to be happy.

It’s my job to change my husband.

My husband is supposed to serve me.

If I submit to my husband, I’ll be a miserable doormat.

If I submit to my husband, nothing will get done. I’ve got to take the initiative.

I have a low sex drive and my husband must accept that.

My children are my number one priority.

I can’t control my emotions or help the way I am. My hormones made me do it!

My work at home is not as important as my job outside the home.

I have my rights!

In contrast, here are four wisdom principles from God’s word to re-shape our thinking as wives:

1. A wise wife stands on Scripture.

A wise wife stands on the Scriptures that God has given to her as a married woman, instead of conforming to the pattern of this world. She knows that a human idea that contradicts God’s Word is “a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death” (Prov 14:12).

Because a wise wife fears the Lord, she stands on the authority of the Bible rather than on cultural practices or her own ideas. She embraces God’s order and priorities for her life (Eph 5:23; Titus 2:3-5; 1 Tim 2:15; 1 Peter 3:3-6; Prov 31:10-31).

A wise wife makes it her daily practice to “demolish strongholds and every pretention that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor 10:4-5). She allows no one to take her captive through “hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ” (Col 2:8).

A wise wife allows God’s Word, not culture, to shape every aspect of her daily life, especially in how she relates to her husband, how she raises her children and prioritises her household. She is sanctified by the truth of God’s Word (John 17:17).

2. A wise wife worships Christ.

A wise wife knows that there is only one perfect husband, one Rock, and one Shepherd. His name is Jesus Christ! She clings to her Saviour when hard things happen in her marriage. Instead of dwelling on her husband’s shortcomings, she focuses on God’s unchanging promises and purposes. She fears the Lord before all else (Prov 31:30).

She finds her ultimate companionship, hope, wisdom, rest and strength in Christ alone, knowing that marriage is a stewardship from Him and for Him. At the centre of her marriage is her relationship with Christ, and she actively depends on Him to meet her needs and be her source of truth and happiness. Like Mary of Bethany, she is first and foremost devoted to Jesus (Luke 10:38-42).

And so, a wise wife doesn’t make an idol of her husband or demand from him the perfection that no human being can give. She knows that there is only one Saviour who can satisfy the aching abyss of her heart. She gains vital nourishment from Christ through regular Bible reading and prayer, the Holy Spirit’s guidance and comfort, wisdom from mature believers, and obedience by faith to God’s commands.

A wise wife knows that no husband, no matter how diligent, can unfailingly meet her needs for love, security and companionship. No husband can live up to her ideals. No husband can be perfectly patient and compassionate as she pours out her 20 000 words to him per day! No husband can ever make his wife’s dream of a perfect, romantic love come true.

Therefore, a wise wife does not try to control, coerce or cling to her husband, but realises that she is married to an imperfect man for whom Christ died. She gives her husband freedom to be Christ’s, loving and accepting him for who he really is, not as a means to an end. She does not place intolerable burdens on her man, but looks to Jesus to supply the perfect, never-ending love for which her heart was created.

And even if a wife is married to a persistently bad husband, one of the most emotionally demanding and difficult situations, a wise wife does not depend on the quality of her husband’s love or leadership. God’s wisdom is still wise. The apostle Peter says that women who are married to ungodly husbands are to imitate Jesus’ attitudes and actions when the human leadership over Him failed and was unfair (1 Peter 2:21-23). A wise wife continues to look to Christ for her worth and identity, especially when her husband is not the man God calls him to be. She continues to entrust herself and her husband to a just God, while praying to win him over without words, by her godly life (1 Peter 3:1-5).

3. A wise wife submits to her husband.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything (Eph 5:22-24).

A wife’s submission is a wildly counter-cultural idea, but we cannot simply reject what Paul says because it makes us feel uncomfortable. We need to surrender our cultural and family baggage as we seek to understand what submission means and doesn’t mean.

Paul’s phrase ‘as to the Lord’ reminds us that submission does not mean obeying a husband who leads his wife into sin. In this case, she must obey her higher authority, the Lord Jesus Christ (Acts 5:29). Nor does submission mean that a wife never shares her opinions or concerns with her husband. After all, she is his “helpmeet”, a valuable part of the husband-wife team (Gen 2:8).

Eph 5:33 defines what submission is: A wife must ‘respect’ her husband, regardless of whether he is worthy of her respect. After all, Jesus is the only husband who is always worthy of our respect. A respectful wife makes her husband feel worthwhile, honoured and admired. She gets to know her own husband to find out what she can do and say to show him honour. ‘In everything’ (Eph 5:24) isn’t selective or conditional submission. It touches every aspect of our lives and calls on a wife to treat her husband better than he deserves.

A wise wife confronts her husband gently and disagrees with him respectfully. She is not quarrelsome or argumentative, like a constant dripping on a rainy day (Prov 27:15-16; Prov 19:13; 21:9; 25:24; 27:15.)

Peter describes the attitude of a “gentle and quiet spirit” that is of great worth to God (1 Peter 3:4). Submission is an inner quality of gentleness and respect that actively affirms her husband’s leadership in both action and attitude. Thus, a wise wife responds positively when her husband initiates.

The Gospel is key to understanding submission. Submission stands against the backdrop of a wife’s submission to Christ (Eph 5:22), and the Church’s submission to Christ (Eph 5:24), and Christ’s submission to his Father (Matt 26:39). There is nothing subservient or humiliating about any of these three relationships. They are ordered and beautiful, having nothing to do with competence or unequal value.

If a wise wife submits to her husband, as she submits to Christ, the logical question is, “How do we submit to Jesus?”

We follow Jesus gladly. We learn from Him. We are led by Him. We make sacrifices for Him. We are vulnerable and open with Him. We invite Him to influence the direction our lives take.

Ironically, what a wife wants most out of life—love, stability, peace, and God’s approval—comes through submitting to her husband in all these ways, not through resisting or controlling him. When submission is in response to a loving husband’s leadership, it is not burdensome, but more like a harmonious dance.

Like all God’s commands, submission has many benefits. By imitating Jesus’s submission to His Father in heaven, a wife glorifies Christ. Secondly, submission is an opportunity for a wife to worship Christ, the ‘invisible man’ in the relationship. Thirdly, submission protects a wife. It is a shield against rude or manipulative people, and against interfering parents or extended family. Fourthly, submission shelters a wife from the stress of being responsible for a family. And fifthly, submission builds faith. Faith grows stronger in a woman who trusts God to guide her husband, rather than trusting herself to control him.

Many problems in marriage come from this basic role reversal. A wife who refuses to submit becomes controlling or complaining, while a husband who feels disrespected may become more passive or tyrannical. Since men are wired to lead their wives, a submissive wife is a blessing to her husband and her marriage.

4. A wise wife blesses her husband.

A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life (Proverbs 31:10-12).

Through all the risk and wonder, the joy and sorrow of marriage, a wise woman converts the biblical descriptions of love into action (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). After thirty-one years, I’m still finding it hard to do these few simple verses in my marriage. Love is not a feeling. Love is small acts of blessing, performed over and over again, to bring good to our husbands, all the days of our lives. The wise wife builds her house, day by day, moment by moment:

A wise wife extends grace to her husband instead of criticism.

She expresses thanks by ministering to his needs.

She writes a letter telling him what she loves and admires about him.

She guards her heart against tearing him down, in her words, thoughts or attitudes.

She blesses him with the gift of lovemaking.

She builds him up verbally, from the heart–

“I’m happy to see you!”

“Thank you for sharing your life with me.”

“Let me know how I can help you.”

“I’m so glad I married you!”

“I thank God for bringing you into my life.”

“Wisdom has built her house” (Prov 9:1)

Prayer

Lord, may your peace continually fill and surround our marriage. Protect us from the evil one, so that the devil may never gain a foothold in our home. Lord, I ask that you help me to bless my husband through all the days of our life together. Thank you for joining us together as one in the Lord Jesus. By the power of the Holy Spirit and the truth of your Word, give me wisdom, joy and grace, that I may respond to my husband according to your design for us. Lead me, good Shepherd, with your strong hand as I follow you moment by moment, that I may live each day in a way that pleases you. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Resources:

Love that Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace, by Gary and Betsy Ricucci.

Blessing your Husband, by Debra Evans.

10 Things I Want my Husband to Know…and how to tell him, Annie Chapman.

The Love Dare, by Steven and Alex Kendrick.

7 Things He’ll Never Tell You, but you need to know, by Dr Kevin Leman.